Situation Critical
Is it just Mikey, or are clichés starting to hit different? Whether or not social media deserves some or most of the blame in this, the pressing issue is that the current explosion of these expressions is becoming harder and harder to ignore. Mikey does not place himself upon a pedestal inscribed with the words “Never Uses Clichés,” but except possibly during an altered state that he is unaware of, Mikey can without hesitation make the claim to have never used the phrases “unpack this” or “hits different” voluntarily. He did, however, reluctantly use the latter once at knifepoint. While these two examples are among the more prolific of the contemporary cliché demons assaulting the vibrations of speakers, writers, readers and listeners, there is an entire legion of other such offenders freely roaming the countryside like zombies. Mikey is not, at present, suggesting that violators be burned at the stake or anything, but Mikey wonders if an exorcism might not be in order.
Things have gotten fairly serious as The CCH (Centers for Conversational Health) has raised the Cliché Alert Level from “Concerning” to “Let’s unpack this,” which possibly unwittingly illustrates the problem we’re all facing. Could the Illuminati be spraying us with cliché-inducing agents of some sort? Whatever the cause of the uptick in literary dreariness, Mikey is proposing this open-air intervention, of sorts, before the skies of conversation are completely darkened… There is a fine line between the tasteful and distasteful use of common and useful phrases and Mikey proposes that we all do our best to stay balanced upon it.
“This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but with a (clichéd) whimper.”
Mikey’s apologies to Mr. T. S. Eliot for the mutilation of his famous poetry.
There are gateway clichés that lead to the harder stuff—the over the top word choices done in full surrender and resignation to poor taste. If one suspects that this gateway has been entered into by a loved one, Mikey suggests using the CCH’s protocol and monitoring the subject while watching for certain key phrases. Take for example this recent account that Mikey has become aware of: Authorities responded to a frantic mother’s call who reported that her son had begun repeating ‘circle back’ maniacally and involuntarily. “By the time we arrived, he was also using ‘low-hanging fruit’ and referring to everything as ‘a game changer.’ At that point we knew we were dealing with something very serious.” Mikey also recently spoke with a recovering cliché addict who had this to say: “Once you float that first cliché trial balloon and it isn’t shot down, you’re hooked and it’s all downhill from there.”
If you find yourself on the cusp of cliché utterance, Mikey recommends taking any action possible to make a detour—stop, drop and roll for example. Sure, you’ll look like an idiot, but at least you won’t sound like one. You could always claim having felt a burning sensation on the skin or simply some other sort of temporary mental lapse. Do not be Austin Powers, plowing ahead with the regrettable “Allow myself to intro…duce…my…self.” This embarrassment can be averted with a just little creativity. We must all remain calm and do our utmost in trying to come to terms with the seriousness of this situation.
Mikey invites readers to add to the list of aggravations for the next edition of Cliché Watch. Until then: at the end of the proverbial day… it is what it is… (until it isn’t?).
