Once upon a time at concerts—rock concerts at least—the smell of cannabis hung heavily in the rafters…
It has been some time since Mikey has experienced the sights and smells of a live concert, and the latest buzz in the news concerning concert attendance does not encourage him to rush out and buy tickets anytime soon. While the scent of weed has reportedly dissipated significantly at concerts in recent years, rumor has it that a not-so-pleasant fragrance has taken its place—and then there were signs: concert aromas.”
The boundaries of normality seem to be expanding at an impressive rate. Things that weren’t even registered in the realm of possibility a short while ago are now applying for membership in the new normal. Did anybody have diaper-wearing concertgoers on their bingo card for the mid-2020s? What sounds like a headline written by a correspondent from the Babylon Bee after dropping acid has apparently had its application approved. Ever wished you had a front-row seat to see your favorite artist perform live? Ever imagine that you might have to don a Depend to achieve and maintain that? No, of course you haven’t. Mikey hasn’t either… Well, the reality is that adults are now wearing diapers to concerts rather than risk surrendering their coveted spots near the stage for something as inconvenient as a bathroom break.
Still not convinced this isn’t some twisted Mikey joke? A Go-ogle search for “best diapers for concertgoers” produces actual product recommendations and advice. Among the suggestions:
NorthShore MegaMax® — high-capacity tab-style briefs for long events.
NorthShore GoSupreme Lite® — pull-on protection emphasizing mobility and discretion.
Concert-going advice — choose sufficient capacity, bring extras and wipes, and prepare for long stretches away from the restroom.
And then there is the Pit Diaper—an actual limited-edition Liquid Death × Depend creation designed so concertgoers wouldn’t have to surrender their places in the pit for a bathroom break.
Some jokes literally write themselves.
Mikey can imagine the marquee… “Napalm Death—August 9th. Sponsored by Jägermeister and NorthShore MegaMax® Diaper Style Briefs or GoSupreme® Pull-On Underwear. Because when you’re hammered and nature calls and begins frantically pressing two.”
There is something to be said for the days of yore—and Mikey says give me blunts, not grunts. While live music has the power to annihilate the sounds of the latter, the accompanying stench may prove considerably more difficult to drown out.
Modern-day concert checklist: weed—nah; cell phone—check; NorthShore—one on and one in the backpack; adult wipes—check; clothespin (for nose)—check…
And who knows what the future may bring? Concert respirators? Catheters? Perhaps steel grating outfitted with a bidet grid? After-concert changing stations and showers? On-demand groomers of the stool (for the more well-to-do)?
The astute Observante Nilknarf Neb provided a stern warning for such times as these: Those who would give up essential dignity to maintain a front-row seat at a live concert deserve neither dignity nor… well, perhaps they do deserve a front-row seat at some of today’s concerts.
There were signs. Unfortunately, some of them needed changing.
