Mikey Examines Modern Eating Establishment Phenomena

We are all probably feeling a slight bubbling sensation in our abdomens these days when we go to pretty much any restaurant and are confronted with the fairly recent phenomenon of price and dish description enlargement in contrast to the ever-shrinking portion sizes. This last aspect, in and of itself, is not necessarily a bad thing as prior to this current trend we encountered the opposite, resulting in brisk business for belt manufacturers and the now ubiquitous—though perhaps suddenly obsolete—doggy bag. Realizing that the primary perceivable issue being the pricing vector diametrically opposing that of portion size, the industry apparently attempted to offset this imbalance by introducing adjective-enriched menus. While restaurant pricing has been a subject of discussion for years, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has also examined broader trends in Americans’ spending on food away from home.

Pricing, in large part, is a sign of the times as the cost of everything has inflated which we can all attest to and this probably more than anything results in the sometimes heartburn-inducing fees for the food we order at virtually any eatery nowadays—the higher grocery store prices seem to correspondingly correlate to the bill we are presented with at the end of a meal eaten out. What can one do—eat at home… or learn to photosynthesize?

Yet another rather comical point of interest or perplexity that many of us have probably also noticed is an increase in the number, complexity, and artistic blending of the words used to describe the food. What used to simply be called a hamburger once upon a time might now be described as a specially prepared and artisan-crafted, flame-kissed, locally sourced, heritage-blend protein encounter nestled gently beneath vine-ripened tomatoes and hand-selected greens on a rustic brioche experience. Mikey suspects that the menu composition specialists are all clandestinely in competition for the Nobel Prize in Literature. This brings to mind another of Mikey’s recent observations—less is more (or vice versa?).

And the poor servers… Customer: “Can I get some fries with that?” Server: “Leading off our starch community choices we have the hand-cut, small-batch rustic Yukon Gold potatoes, twice-finished in artisan sunflower oil, delicately seasoned with hand-harvested sea salt and accompanied by our signature herb-forward aioli tasting experience, or next up on our selection might your interest be piqued by the farm-to-table heirloom potato batons, responsibly sourced from generational growers and twice-crisped to maximize textural complexity, or would your palate today prefer the more sedate ”heritage potato spears featuring an intentionally rustic exterior with a cloud-like interior, presented alongside a chef-curated dipping flight?” Customer (looking dazed and bewildered): “Uhhh, never mind, I’ll… just have the coffee.” No wonder the waiter disappears for long stretches—by the time he’s recited three entrée descriptions and explained the provenance of the potatoes, his medulla oblongata is probably far beyond well done.

And last on Mikey’s points of observation are the portion sizes, and as hinted at above, Mikey thinks that this development may be a truly good thing. Perhaps forever gone are the days of “OMG” as the UFO-sized platter intimidatingly makes its way to your table producing stomach tremors on first sight. This too though can be taken to extremes, and despite a century of monetary adventures and their side effects, four scallops arranged artistically around a plate the size of a satellite dish can make one wonder whether the chef may have stuffed a few of them in his mouth or pocket—or self-righteously decided to impose minimalism. Composition, composition, composition.

All this food talk has suddenly made Mikey incredibly hungry and he’s really craving a flame-kissed heritage Angus beef experience featuring artisan cheddar, vine-ripened tomatoes, locally curated greens, house-crafted aioli, and a toasted brioche platform, or whatever it is that they’re calling burgers these days.

And perhaps Mikey’s modern-menu-inspired idea for opening Mikey’s Almost-Too-Exquisitely-Described-to-Eat Bistro isn’t so crazy after all?

Coming Soon…

Coming Soon… pending final menu revisions.